


Grief

by TheVerdantSword



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cry with me, I was feeling sad, M/M, so i wrote a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11645940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVerdantSword/pseuds/TheVerdantSword
Summary: Nothing was ever easy for them, but they made it work.





	Grief

**Author's Note:**

> I've neglected this so much I'm sorry. I do intend to get back into fic writing but I'm struggling to make myself do anything so bear with me.

       Grief:

       Noun. Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

And that’s exactly what happened. He died. It wasn’t dramatic, like in all those movies and books depict death to be. It was horrible and merciless.

It started out when Cas dropped to the floor, seizing.

I called an ambulance.

We drove to the hospital.

They told us he had a cancerous tumour on his brain.

We were planning to get married just before he fell.

 

       “Dean,” Cas had turned to me the second we got the news. Or later, I don’t actually remember. I was too busy staring at the watch I had bought him for our third anniversary. Where it used to comfort me, it only brought me dread as it had begun to feel like a count down. The survival rate for cancerous brain tumours was about 50/50.

_Tick, tick, tick…_

       “Dean,” There was no wavering in his voice at all and I had felt selfish and weak as I struggled to hold back my tears.

       “We will get through this.” He told me, firmly.

       And we did for a while. It was hard for the both of us and the sicker he became, the more I deteriorated into a desperate depression. I stopped sleeping. Stopped eating. Refused to do anything but sit by his side, no matter what Sam or Cas tried to tell me. I didn't care, all I cared about was staying by Cas' side.

       I remember the day he told me he no longer wanted to get married. It was a particularly bad day for him and it was hard for me to understand him because he had slowly been losing his ability to speak. But… he told me he didn’t want to marry me, only for him to die. He said that he knew I would never find love again if that happened. I would never find love again regardless. But I said nothing, and continued to hold his hand…

       Staring at that watch.

       It seemed to be going faster. _Please slow down,_ I thought, desperately, _please, please slow down. Just for me._ I berated myself for even thinking such a thing but I already couldn’t bear to lose him. Not after everything.

 

       Miraculously though, the treatment started working and he began to recover. His watch seemed to be slowing down, just as I asked it to. His recovery wasn’t easy by a long shot. But it was all worth it in the end when we he was cleared for release. We came home to a small, quiet party. I remember his face lighting up like a Christmas tree when he saw Bobby, Kevin, Charlie and Sammy seated on the couch. They had all smiled and waved nervously.

       Cas turned to me, “Thank you.” He said, simply.

       “I didn’t do anything,” I said, “they insisted.” Cas smiled.

       “Of course they did.” And things were good for a while after that. They were good.

 

       So just over a year later, of course I bought the damned rings.

       I was standing in the cafe when I called him, “Hey, babe, I have a surprise for you.” I could hear his exasperated head-shake through the phone.

       “Dean, I _swear._ ” He never liked big surprises but I could hear him laugh anyway. I loved – love – his laugh.

       “Meet me at the Cloak and Quiver after work.” I hung up. I had felt incredibly confident as I waited for him to arrive.

       When the time he would arrive at the cafe was nearing, I decided to wait outside. Now, I wonder if I was better off staying inside. I had chosen the cafe as that was where I had first met Cas. It seemed like yesterday he dropped his (luckily almost cold) tea on me. Sure as the cows coming home, and as sure as him never finishing his tea, Cas came around the corner. He walked towards the little cafe, smiling and waving when he saw me waiting. I smiled back, suddenly feeling nervous. He stepped onto the road.

 

       And that’s when it happened. The whole thing took less than ten seconds.

_Tick, tick, tick…_

       A truck came roaring around the corner, swerving and out of control like a raged and injured bull.

_Tick, tick, tick..._

       I couldn’t move – I had no time.

_Tick, tick, tick…_

       I could only watch in horror as the truck smashed into Cas, throwing him up and over the truck. There was perhaps, a nanosecond of silence before he landed on the ground with a sickening crunch, followed by the sound of the truck slamming into a tree. He hadn’t even had time to scream. Everyone else had paused, making me feel like I was a part of some show and they were all dummies. My feet lead me forward before my brain had made the order. I dropped to my knees before Cas. He wasn’t dead yet. Not really. His body twitched and jerked as his eyes stared, unseeing at the curb. It was horrible. His body was strewn out at awkward, unnatural angles and there was blood oozing from various wounds on his body…

       I try not to think about it anymore.

 

       Grief.

       I explained before what that word meant but I didn’t tell you what it had felt like. Some of you might know, perhaps having lost a loved one before. The rest of you might not. It’s like an explosion. It might be slower for some than others but in that moment, for me, the detonation was my face crumpling as a choked off gasp left my mouth. It was the foreign scream that tore from my throat as the searing, consuming waves of loss ripped through me. It was the left-over hole suddenly gaping in my chest that clogged my lungs. It was the burning of my tears as they fell on his lifeless form. It was the aftershock of painful, shuddering gasps that wracked my body as I stared at his watch again, the time stuck on 4:58 pm.

 

       Two other people died from that incident. Three more were injured. The tree the truck hit was scarred, as were the injured people. As were the families of the ones that died. As was I. I was never able to talk about the incident until now. I couldn’t even speak at his funeral. I didn’t even go. Instead, I bought some flowers, the ones I knew Cas liked, not the ones that were going to be at the funeral. I then took the flowers to the tree and sat there, watching life go by and remembering how bright and loving Cas was. I still occasionally buy flowers for the tree but I noticed something about the tree’s scar just yesterday. New life has grown there. And I realised that if a tree could make the best out of a horrible event, then maybe I could too.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this originally as the beginning of an original story, I just changed the names and pronouns. But I was thinking I could expand this into a fic. If you thought of Ranger's Apprentice when Dean mentioned The Cloak and Quiver, then ten points to Gryffindor, you understood that reference. (Marvel fandom shrieking)


End file.
